Part-time Ghost

Summer is Not Good for me in the sense that my generally timeless existence somehow becomes even less structured. I cannot tell what happened two days or a week ago.

- I bought a board/card game called Happy Little Dinosaurs, despite very emphatically Not being a gamer by any definition of the word. What can I say, I was swayed by the cute art and my own lack of impulse control, even though I know it's the adhd desperately seeking new dopamine kicks. It doesn't help that I'm always more or less frustrated over the fact that I'm not a perfect productivity machine and my subconscious is constantly striving to find some way to reinvent me. -__-

That being said, I enjoyed playing the game. I think it would be nice to be the kind of person who plays games with friends, even though I'm not.

- Am generally tired of not being amazing and accomplished in everything I do. Deeply unfair that I have flaws.

- Might've brought that up with my therapist if she hadn't cancelled. :( She's pregnant so I don't begrudge her that, but it's frustrating when I don't really have anything else than those appointments to anchor myself with.

- Spent most of the weekend taking long walks with wife and trying/failing to write. It's strange to go from trying to write oneshots for a new fandom after having one single longfic project to focus on for about two years; I'm left throwing paragraphs on the wall and see what sticks again after having a pretty solid outline to follow, and it's leaving me frustrated. Like I can't direct the little creative energy I have where it should go.

- Wife is going to a conference abroad on Sunday, so I'm taking a day trip to Uppsala to see uni friends and trying to think about the fun we'll have instead of dreading the possibility it'll trigger another depressive episode, lol.

- Been listening to Dark in Here (the album) by The Mountain Goats on repeat for days now.

I have for a while now been meaning to dust off this account, and every time I'm held back by the simple fact that I'm not sure anyone here even remembers who I am, and a re-introduction seems like a very complicated and awkward thing. My last entry was in 2015, and the irony of me lamenting that I need to post here more often is not lost on me.

Here's what changed: I lived in Uppsala for five years before moving back last september and I miss it every single day. I did get my BA in religious studies, and am still working on an MA in Cultural Anthropology; something I should've been done with years ago, but turns out I have ADHD and a global pandemic isn't super conducive to studying anyway. Still grappling with that and what I want to do with my life. Since I married my girlfriend (!!!) and moved back to Stockholm I am technically a housewife, and thus spend most of my time on chores, going to therapy, and fighting off existential ennui.

Fandom-wise I'm still writing, and after a decade I might even be kinda sorta decent at it. I got back into anime and manga again, something I honestly didn't think I ever would (though I'm not actively keeping up with anything atm). Barring those two weeks in summer 2020 where I listened to literally nothing other than Les Misérables cast recordings and spent three months rereading the same j/jvj fics, I've mostly been dabbling in MXTX/danmei fandom for the past couple of years. Right now I'm having a great time with the Malevolent podcast and reading Weird Fiction.

I still care very much about Nordic folk culture and inflicting my extremely niche taste in music on unsuspecting bystanders, too.

Tbh I don't know if I'll be very good at updating here now either. But after spending almost a decade on Tumblr and Twitter, where I have for various reasons (including but not limited to being in some fandoms with major harassment problems) posted less and less of my own thoughts and works, the idea of going back to what is essentially Journalling In Public is very appealing.