Part-time Ghost

Summer is Not Good for me in the sense that my generally timeless existence somehow becomes even less structured. I cannot tell what happened two days or a week ago.

- I bought a board/card game called Happy Little Dinosaurs, despite very emphatically Not being a gamer by any definition of the word. What can I say, I was swayed by the cute art and my own lack of impulse control, even though I know it's the adhd desperately seeking new dopamine kicks. It doesn't help that I'm always more or less frustrated over the fact that I'm not a perfect productivity machine and my subconscious is constantly striving to find some way to reinvent me. -__-

That being said, I enjoyed playing the game. I think it would be nice to be the kind of person who plays games with friends, even though I'm not.

- Am generally tired of not being amazing and accomplished in everything I do. Deeply unfair that I have flaws.

- Might've brought that up with my therapist if she hadn't cancelled. :( She's pregnant so I don't begrudge her that, but it's frustrating when I don't really have anything else than those appointments to anchor myself with.

- Spent most of the weekend taking long walks with wife and trying/failing to write. It's strange to go from trying to write oneshots for a new fandom after having one single longfic project to focus on for about two years; I'm left throwing paragraphs on the wall and see what sticks again after having a pretty solid outline to follow, and it's leaving me frustrated. Like I can't direct the little creative energy I have where it should go.

- Wife is going to a conference abroad on Sunday, so I'm taking a day trip to Uppsala to see uni friends and trying to think about the fun we'll have instead of dreading the possibility it'll trigger another depressive episode, lol.

- Been listening to Dark in Here (the album) by The Mountain Goats on repeat for days now.

'Tis the month when everything is so green it hurts to look at and I'm thinking about a poem by Werner Aspenström (half-assedly translated by yours truly):

THE CITY (1964)

I am not an apolitical person.
I have an opinion about how things
should be done in this country.
I consider peace to be our greatest thought.
But I do not wish to use the great dream's scissor
to cut the smaller dream's weave.
It is the time of day
when the towboat Rex embarks into the archipelago
to fetch the sunrise.
It is the time of year
when the giant on Skinnarvik Mountain
wears clusters of lilacs in his hair.
Soon he will open his maw and spit out
a swarm of seagulls over the city.
I think it is beautiful, simply put.
I think it is human, sometimes.

I have for a while now been meaning to dust off this account, and every time I'm held back by the simple fact that I'm not sure anyone here even remembers who I am, and a re-introduction seems like a very complicated and awkward thing. My last entry was in 2015, and the irony of me lamenting that I need to post here more often is not lost on me.

Here's what changed: I lived in Uppsala for five years before moving back last september and I miss it every single day. I did get my BA in religious studies, and am still working on an MA in Cultural Anthropology; something I should've been done with years ago, but turns out I have ADHD and a global pandemic isn't super conducive to studying anyway. Still grappling with that and what I want to do with my life. Since I married my girlfriend (!!!) and moved back to Stockholm I am technically a housewife, and thus spend most of my time on chores, going to therapy, and fighting off existential ennui.

Fandom-wise I'm still writing, and after a decade I might even be kinda sorta decent at it. I got back into anime and manga again, something I honestly didn't think I ever would (though I'm not actively keeping up with anything atm). Barring those two weeks in summer 2020 where I listened to literally nothing other than Les Misérables cast recordings and spent three months rereading the same j/jvj fics, I've mostly been dabbling in MXTX/danmei fandom for the past couple of years. Right now I'm having a great time with the Malevolent podcast and reading Weird Fiction.

I still care very much about Nordic folk culture and inflicting my extremely niche taste in music on unsuspecting bystanders, too.

Tbh I don't know if I'll be very good at updating here now either. But after spending almost a decade on Tumblr and Twitter, where I have for various reasons (including but not limited to being in some fandoms with major harassment problems) posted less and less of my own thoughts and works, the idea of going back to what is essentially Journalling In Public is very appealing.

Going back to Stockholm tomorrow over Christmas. Been a bit weirdly... not full of anticipation, but definitely preparing for it all week, fretting over what to do with the food in the fridge I can't eat up on time, thinking about what to pack... it takes up a lot of space in my mind. It's gonna be nice to go home and be able to relax for a bit. Today in particular has felt off after six hours of sleep, a trudge through the first heavy snowfall this winter, only to discover that the lecture I was supposed to attend had been moved from nine am to one pm.

As for the talking meme, I don't have much to talk about today-- liadtbunny asked me about my favourite feelgood film/tv series, but the truth is I... don't actually watch that much film or tv, much less when I'm feeling down in the dumps for whatever reason. There are some happy-making tv series out there that I've actually watched though.

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Went shopping for Christmas presents today and still haven't found enough. Not to mention I haven't shipped any of the ones that needs to be mailed internationally. I am the worst at Christmas shopping, especially since I managed to talk myself into buying one for myself before finishing anyone else's (and paid by using PayPal for the first time. Praying to whatever god willing to listen that I'll actually get what I ordered and didn't just throw money into the deep end of the internet).

Following up last week's post on queer stuff in ancient Egypt, here's a fun thing I found in a book just a couple of days before I wrote that post! I was thumbing through a book on ancient Egyptian magic that was dropped from the course lit list after I'd already bought it when I stumbled upon a reference to this spell made in passing. Frustrated with this lack of information, I decided to look up the book used as source in the university library.

Thus I now present: a lesbian love spell from Graeco-Roman Egypt, third century BC.

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Have fallen even more behind on the Talking Meme, as my laptop decide to update to Windows 8.1 without my consent and I lost internet access. Mum managed to restore it, but I'm not sure I'll have it in Uppsala (am in Stockholm rn, there's no wi-fi in the dorm, you have to plug the Ethernet cable directly into the wall).

I'm still gonna write entries, but I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update before I go home for the holidays, on friday next week. So if I don't post/don't respond to posts for most of next week, that's why!

Watch me do the December Talking Meme and fall behind after two days! In my defense, last week was super-intense; I had an exam and two hand-ins on friday and spent all week studying for that, spent most of the weekend baking and being with friends from the corridor, and yesterday I read in the library for hours and cleaned my room in the afternoon. I've barely been on Tumblr, much less had time to write several LJ entries.

Day 3 was blank, so I'm not sure I'm gonna try to fill it (maybe if I have time), but Day 4 had a question from spaciireth, who asked: "What was your first fandom? Are you still involved with it?"

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(From katje0711. I started writing this on December 1st, so let's pretend this isn't a late post.)

The worst question. The worst.

Choosing a favourite book is a question I've developed more and more complicated feelings about with age. I don't have the time or urge to read as much as I used to when I was young, and I think I'm not as easily entertained nowadays either. Having a book just reach out and grab you is sadly a rare thing for me nowadays-- I still like most of the books I read, but most don't absorb me completely or leave a deep impact either.

It's also hard for me to pick just one book/author. Especially since two of my favourite books/series are actually collaborations between two authors.

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I still have lots of empty slots so feel free to ask more questions!

As sort-of-tenatively promised, I made a batch of icons! For the latest episode of Doctor Who, that is. While I've made plenty of graphics before I've never really tried making icons, and it turned out to be both interesting and frustrating (they're so tiny! argh!!).

So, without further ado...

+ 35 Doctor Who icons (mostly the Doctor and Clara)
+ Caps from grande_caps
+ Credit is nice but not necessary.
+ Please don't use as bases.

( I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage )

(I have no idea where else I could post this. Gosh, it has been a long time.)

- Apparently love poetry aimed towards a specific woman(mánsöngr) was forbidden on Iceland according to the Grey Goose Laws (so until mid-13th century). The reason is supposedly a conflation between poetry and galdr; reciting poetry could be seen as an attempt to urge a woman away from the control of her parents, and indirectly her place in society, by magic (marriages were mainly political in Norse society, so wooing an unmarried woman and thereby making her less likely to cooperate wasn't exactly seen as harmless compared to seducing someone who already had a husband).

There is no real point of me telling you this other than 1. it was mentioned in the book on Norse goddesses I finished yesterday, which I should definitely take notes on before returning to the library, because it was really informative and inspiring (sadly it's out of print so I can't actually buy it-- might have to look at retailers) and 2. I just find it really fascinating.

- It's been really hot these past couple of days, as if to make up for the fact that we had nothing but clouds and the occasional rain shower the two weeks before. Even I, who's usually a very enthusiastic sun worshipper, has to go inside after lunch (this is one of those rare situations where living in the basement is a very good thing). Despite this, mum insists I should weed the flowerbeds. *Shudder*

- Speaking of which, mum's friend is over and sort of caught me up on what one of her sons, who was my best friends for most of our childhood, is doing. Which is, apparently, having studied in London and currently living alone in a four-room apartment nearby. He's twenty. Meanwhile, I'm having trouble even deciding what I want to study properly and finding student housing, never mind an actual apartment. See also: can't find a summer job and spends the summer binge watching TV series, reading books and listening to audios.

- At least my sleeping schedule is fine again-- if anything, a little too fine. I usually get tired and end up in bed before 9 pm, and get out of bed at half past six (!).

- I finished the second Klein trilogy (if it can be called that); Persuasion, Starlight Robbery and Daleks Among Us, all of which are really stellar audios. Most of all, I enjoy the dynamic of this Team TARDIS-- Seven really does need companions around, doesn't he? Lest he goes overboard with the preemptive strikes, so to speak. Klein (Elizabeth? Have we symbolically switched to first-name basis to mark that she's not her nazi alternate self?) is also a very different, but interesting, female character (and hey, Daleks Among Us actually explains what happens at the end of Architects of History! ... kind of. A bit. Maybe not), but I think the addition of a bumbling character like Will really makes the dynamic. I'm really looking forward to more audios with them-- especially since the ending seems to indicate that they'll become more of a team from this point on.

(In particular, I find the contrast between Will - who's a very intelligent, but socially awkward, clumpsy, somewhat naive and idealistic young man - and older, frosty but exceedingly capable and adept Elizabeth refreshing, since their character traits are usually associated with characters of the opposite gender.)

Also: there is a statue of a naked Ace McShane wielding a baseball bat on a planet she and the Doctor helped liberate. Canon. Canon (Will's obvious concern that this happens a lot to the Doctor's companions also means that there is, of course, a naked statues of him as well somewhere. Rule of Funny demands it).